May I have another shot of that Holy water, Padre'?

 My first visit to a catholic church was at St.Joesph's in Stuart Florida, back in 1983.  As I entered the Church, I observed people reaching into a water basin, and tossing water on themselves. Natrually, I didnt follow suit, as My Mother taught me never to stick my hands in anything other people have touched (for pure sanitary reasons). So By passing the fount, I looked around with amazement at all the satues of Saints, color, and beautiful lavish "sets." I continued slowly walking forward, taking it all in,  looking skyward, at the pendants hanging down then casting my gaze above the alter at the stained glass window, and crucifix when....."Har -rumpf..plop!  I had  "tripped and fallen" over two old Catholic broads who had the nerve to drop and genuflect right  in front of the ALTER!!!  (I mean Come on? Don't they know tourist's visit here?)  From my prone position I looked up to receive hateful and ghastly glares from the two Grandmothers who knelt beside me.  I was so EMBARRASSED (and genuinely afraid for my life) that I almost turned tail and ran out of the church!! I stood slowly, apologizing to the two ugly Garlgoyles that knelt  silently before the Alter of God, their collective stare burning a whole through me, as if to say, "we know who you are, and we know where you live."  I spasticaly turned away quickly shook myself free from a petrified stance, and limped off in shame feeling like I had just been cut from the football team.  My Catholic companions ( already occupying a pew) waved at me snickering, trying to get my attention while not  being obvious about it. ( they didn't want anyone who had witnessed the "accident at the alter" to think that we were friends). Yes, " Friends" who could be held responsible for my conduct in the House of God; "Friends" who could be Stoned beside me).  I reached the pew, and slipped my way past some people until I was reconciled with my friends.  Realizing that I was nervous, my friends thoroughly briefed me  (sort of like an "Actions on the Objective" excerpt from an Army OPORDER) on what I would be expected to do, from kneeling, standing, sitting, and verbally repeating pre-written text from a "missilette" as well as knowing when and where to cross myself.  (I must tell you, I felt like I was in a WWII prisoner escape movie, where I had just been fitted with civilian clothes, documents / papers, a cover story, then sent out to  "blend in" in order make my escape to Friendly forward lines undetected).  "Does the phrase too much Information mean anything to you?" I jokingly whispered to my protector.  "Just follow me,  do as I do", my friend whispered,  "and everything will be fine."  As the Mass began, and progressed, I soon realized that my fears where unfounded. Most of these Catholics could do this in their sleep ( in fact alot of them were doing it in their sleep)! I never saw such haphazzard, going through the motions, movements and gesturing in my life! It was like a bad day at Disney world, in the "Hall of Presidents". Everyone followed a que. No one missed a beat awake or otherwise. And here I was worried about trying to make a good impression. In fact, I believe that I was putting forth more of a sincere effort than most of these "die hard Catholics" were ( including the two old bats I fell over at the begining of this story).  I learned some valuable lessons attending religious services. 1.) I learned that most folks arent paying attention to anyone (to include GOD). 2.)  I learned that immitation is the sincereist form of  flattery. ( going through the motions is the weakest form). 3.)  If I could pass for a Catholic, then heck, I could easily pass as a member of the Knights of the Ku-KLux-Klan! ( All I would have to do is wear a hood, a robe, and carry a torch!  and they wouldn't even require me to say the "N" wow!  How totally simple is that?  4.) I learned that there are times to wear, or be "camoflagued". Well, I had a interesting time in the ST.Joe Catholic Church.  I wasnt crazy for all this kneeling and standing (and I was a young 23 year old at the time).  Basically I was so out of shape....It was like having Richard Simmons as the Priest, and Deal-a- meal was the Communion wafer. I couldn't hang with the floor work......too hard on the knees.